If you're reading this, you've undoubtedly seen that 91 women have accused Gov. Andrew Cuomo of various personal violations which at best could be called inappropriate physical contact but more accurately would be sexual harassment and in many cases sexual assault.

It should be noted, I write this as a white man, a pinnacle of privilege that predates even the founding of our country. So I'm in no position to judge anything about a woman's decision to bring forward or hold back a public accusation of assault by a man. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to have to wrestle with that decision nor what it would feel like to be alone, approached by a man with a whisper network history of inappropriate comments, much less sexual assault. So before you read a further word that I have to say, first listen to each of the women in their own words (and if I'm missing other links or interviews please let me know).

And to any women reading, go ahead and call bullshit. Torch me on social media, comment here, text your friends and point out that I'm an asshole. You owe me nothing, but, hopefully if you think this is misguided, flat out wrong, or otherwise, you won't mind sharing why, in some shape or form, on your terms, with the audience of your choosing.

Given those ground rules, I will attempt to try to explain to other men, especially white men, my current thoughts on how interacting with Cuomo as a woman might be different than the exoskeleton of safety and confidence that ensconces white men every second of every day as we experience the world. But first, WTF is wrong with you people.

Why is picture and photo in the top search phrases for "cuomo accuser?" Think about that. That’s how far the starting point is from where we need to be.

The Wedding

One of the assaults Cuomo inflicted was as a guest at a wedding, touching and kissing another wedding guest, Ms. Ruch, in a way that she did not consent to, and quite honestly, no one would be ok with. Uncharacteristically, there’s a photo of the exact moment of the assault, and a picture truly is worth a thousand words.2 You can read Ms. Ruch’s facial expression and body language as it doesn’t speak to her discomfort, it screams it.

I think Cuomo's behavior at the wedding was emboldened by the fact he knows that wedding guests will go out of their way not to tarnish the event. He knows that the likelihood of Ms. Rich screaming, slapping him, punching him, kicking him, or throwing a drink in his face are infinitesimally small.
Not because he doesn't deserve any and all of those things, he deserves them all, several times. But because doing so would cause a scene.

Women are constantly forced to do that calculus in their heads, figuring out if what they just experienced is "worth" reacting to and which the woman would have to judge the pros and cons of in an instant. Would she be supported, would responding in any way make the situation worse, more personally dangerous for her? All to be decided in the blink of an eye. However, this would not be causing a scene at a random bar, or cocktail party, interacting with and surrounded by mostly strangers. But causing a scene at her friends' wedding, an event that is supposed to create lifelong memories, the content of which is not typically a guest cold clocking the sitting governor. To take that day, destroy those treasured memories from her friends, for "just" a touch on the back, the squeezed cheeks, the kiss on the cheek. Would they ever forgive her for her outburst if she reacted? Would she ruin the night, ruin the memories, cause marital strife in that newly formalized couple? He knew odds were good she wouldn't. He knew if she reacted at all he could laugh it off as a misunderstanding but the odds were stacked against any reaction at all.

But what if she did respond? Having been at events governors attended a few times, their security detail is never far from their side. They're trained to blend in, stay out of frame of the camera, but they're there, vigilant, ready to intercede. So what if she did, for example, haul back and punch him, responding to a sexual assault with a physical one, albeit fully justified? She would have what, 3 seconds before she was tackled by his security detail? She'd be getting handcuffed, taken out of the room, definitely causing a scene in the middle of your friends' special day. He'd have the floor, the full attention of the entire guest list, free to explain how she had attacked him out of nowhere. Who knows why? Who can get into the mind of what is clearly a mentally unbalanced woman? Maybe she just had way too much to drink tonight due to the generous open bar. He's just as shocked as you are. He wins.

We need to flip the script. We need to make sure that in the moment we don't let men paint the woman as "crazy." These men, as Cuomo shows us, are not one off offenders. They're practiced, seasoned, they've seen a wide range of women's reactions to their assaults and they have responses ready to pull at a moment's notice. But they've never had a bride and groom kick them out of a wedding. They've never had the whole room rally in support of the woman, right there, in the moment to force them out, publicly, shamefully, loudly. They operate in the shadows, on the fringe, selecting targets specifically because the situation or their read of the other person tells them they'll be in control. We need to ensure we give the Ms. Ruches of the world the control, even if it means very publicly kicking the Governor of the State of New York the fuck out of our wedding.

Even bringing it up now, Ms. Ruch risks destroying her friends' memories of their wedding. They may feel terrible that Ms. Ruch didn't bring it up to them at the time. They may be mad that they've been dragged into this mess. That it was a long time ago and she shouldn't have resurfaced it now. Ms. Ruch may have been silent all this time not because she was afraid of Cuomo, but because she was afraid to hurt her friends, or lose them as friends. The couple may now worry that Cuomo assaulted other guests at their wedding, that they brought their guests into contact with him and that he prayed upon their friends and family. They likely trusted and admired the Governor, why else would he have been at the wedding. They're now faced with the decision to support their friend, mourn their lost memories, seaver whatever relationship they still have with Cuomo. Or do they buy into the gaslighting? Do they choose to believe she's overreacting, that Cuomo was misunderstood, that he's just a caring, passionate person? We need to tilt the balance, support our friends, trust those closest to us, because all of those doubts, maybes, what ifs just empower the perpetrators.

The power of whiteness, being the boss, and having women provide you cover

“I am speaking up because I have the privilege to do so when many others do not. No one should have to be defined or destroyed by this kind of sexual harassment. Nor should they be revictimized if they decide to speak their own truth.

I hope that sharing my story will clear the path for other women to do the same.”3

It's worth noting too that Cuomo in addition to his male privilege is also banking on his white privilege. Many of the accusations to date have come from white women. That may be because there just weren't BIPOC women allowed in his circles for him to have access to assault them. It could be because the Black and brown women he's assaulted still don't feel comfortable raising their voices, because even though he's being called to account, he's still a member of the dominant caste.

But we don't have to conduct a thought experiment as to what would happen if a Black Governor of New York had a similar set of scandals. In 2010, Gov. Paterson, a Black man, withdrew his bid for a full term (he had ascended to the role after Gov. Spitzer resigned) after much less serious accusations surfaced around witness tampering and Yankees tickets. But now in 2021, Cuomo has a death grip on his office, despite (almost) double digits of sexual assault allegations and a federal investigation spinning up around falsifying COVID death numbers. It's hard to see how a minority Governor could have held onto a white coalition to stay in office this long.

“My relationship with his senior team — mostly women — grew hostile after I started speaking up for myself. I was reprimanded and told to get in line by his top aides, but I could no longer ignore it.” 4

Cuomo demonstrates that having a majority female inner circle, or company, or friend group doesn't mean you're not sexually, verbally, mentally, or physically harassing women. There is no safe space for women, even among other women, because the systems were built for men, by men, and those systems have not changed.

“It really broke my heart, because she's younger than I am and I couldn't protect her.” 5

Even with 9 women having gone public and at least 3 others who don't feel comfortable or safe going public yet, Cuomo's downfall will not be solely due to sexual assault. It's likely that number will continue to snowball. Those 9 women were not the first and they won't be the last if he's not removed and properly held accountable. It's far more likely that a Federal Indictment for cooking the books on COVID deaths will sweep him from office, even if 30, 40, or 50 women lend their voices to the existing accusations. And in both cases, he'll only be removed if he can't successfully pin his shortcomings and failures on women in his inner circle.

What does that say to other women, when they are confronted by a harasser? They'll do the mental math, evaluate the pros and cons, try to determine whether what was just perpetrated against them crosses the bar. How high will that bar be, when the man hasn't shut down previous ethics investigations for getting to close? If they haven't cooked the books on COVID deaths, while simultaneously writing a book offering "leadership lessons" from the pandemic.

“Abuse does not confine itself to one area. Someone who abuses their power, doesn't just do it towards women or to one community. They do it, in some way, to every community.”6

We need to change the calculus, sexual harassment (and this wasn’t just harassment, it was assault) needs to be enough. Leaders are supposed to be held to a higher standard. Part of that standard needs to be real, serious, independent investigations of even a single complaint against them. Remember, Cuomo as Governor shut down the "independent" Moreland Commission when the ethics investigators got too close to his own misdealings for comfort. When the governor, his office, his staff, is participating in or actively covering up the assault, the investigation can no longer fall anywhere under his chain of command.

It's not Frankening. It's not letting Republicans get away with murder while we cast people out for "nothing" or "mere accusations." It's about building a multi-gender, multi-racial coalition. That requires all voices being represented, not just those looking to protect white, male power at all costs.